My journey through England and Ireland
Posted by Alvina
On Friday 13th of August my mother, my aunt, my uncle and me went to the pickup point so we could drive to England. We had to be there at 5.30 am so it was rather early. But I didn’t really care since I would be on my way to Ireland. The bus came and we drove around for about 5 hours and guess where we were? About half an hour from our hometown! So, yeah that kind of sucked! We were like “next time we’ll ask them to pick us up there!” considering we would have been leaving 5 hours later. Anyway, from that point on we were on our way to England.
We went with the boat so it took us a little while to get ashore but the point was good; we were able to make some decent pictures of a storm brooding a few kilometers away (luckily otherwise we would have been in that storm...)
When we finally arrived in England we had to drive a few more miles to the hotel; which was in Watford (which is an hour and half away from London). We were in the hotel, had dinner and then went to bed at around 11 (British time).
It’s been a while
Posted by Alvina
Apparently there was a server move, so I lost my most recent post. We weren't notified only through our cpanel and later through twitter. People just don't understand not everyone logs into their cpanel every single day to check for updates nor do they surf to twitter to see if there are any updates. So, great, I lost my last post... luckily I'm one of those people who uses an offline application to write my blog entry in. Here it is:
It’s been a while since I last blogged and that’s because a lot has been going on. Now let me start with the guy first.
As I’ve said in previous posts, this guy is interested in me but I don’t know what to do or how I feel. We hang out a few times which was fun; the weird part is that only at the goodbyes he shows his interest in me. Now I can safely say that I have no idea how you should act when you start going out but I always thought you’d show your interest the entire time you’re together. I guess what I’m trying to say is that he’s confusing me...and honestly I don’t like it. It feels like he’s ashamed of my when we’re going out but then at the goodbye’s he’s showing his interest. And yeah, it confused me a lot.
Yesterday, I went to his place to watch a film; Sherlock Holmes. Boring film, if I say so myself. He kissed me a few times and touched me and, yes, I may have liked it. *enter deep blush here*. But, and do I have to mention again that I have no experience in this matter, I think that he tries to rush everything. I mean... actually I don’t know how to explain it. It’s just that everything has to go fast with him...don’t get me wrong when I tell him to stop, he does. But...blah, I don’t know.
You know how you read in a book or see in a film that something happens when you kiss someone? You feel some sort of electric shock or something... yeah, I don’t really feel that when he kisses me. Again I can’t really put into words what I mean. Do I feel anything for him? No, or at least I don’t think so. But, and I told him this as well, I’m willing to find out where it leads. But what if I never feel anything for him? I may only end up hurting him and I don’t want to do that. Everything’s so confusing and I may confuse reality with fiction, since I have this idea of how it should feel but maybe that’s not real life and real life is just how it is now...
Now, other news... I may have my own apartment in 10-11 weeks! Yes, I’ve been trying to find a place of my own for a while now and hopefully it’ll happen soon enough. On Monday August 9 I have to sign the papers and then it’ll take about 10 weeks for everything to go through and I’ll get my keys. I’m so excited about it! I’ve been wanting this for about 4 years now and it’s finally happening!! Let’s hope it’ll happen! Because if the papers won’t go through then I won’t be able to get the house... Which, let me tell you, will suck!
Also, if I get the apartment, I’ll take a kitten. Yes, probably not the best idea since I don’t have any clue on how to raise a kitten but the opportunity presented itself and if everything goes right then I think I’ll get the kitten. It all just hangs on the fact if I get the house or not, because without the house I can’t have the kitten. My parents won’t allow another animal in the house (except perhaps fishes for my aquarium which I’m not going to buy until I have the new house).
Today (meaning August 1st), should have been my cousin’s 29th birthday. But when he was 13 he died of a brain tumor. I was 7 at that time but I still carry the hurt with me. The hurt of losing someone close to you. I may not remember much about him but I do know that I still miss him. We all do, it’s a simple fact. I used to feel sad for him, because he was all alone up there in heaven with no one to celebrate his birthday. Now that isn’t true anymore. He had my dog, Cindy who passed away in 2004. My grandfather who passed away in 2006. His dog, Dodi, who passed away in 2008 and my grandmother who passed away in 2009. He’s not alone anymore and that’s what’s given me strength. I miss them all but knowing they are all waiting for me... it’s an amazing thought.
I had a dream
Posted by Alvina
Once I had a dream where I’d become friends with this guy. One day we’d be out, usually by the sea, and I say something to him which makes him chase me. Once I’m caught, he starts to tickle me. I run out of breath and plead for mercy, once he stops we stare at each other. Slowly he leans in and kisses me, embarrassed I pull away. He says he’s sorry that he shouldn’t have but I cut him off and tell him not to be sorry that I just don’t know what to do. He tells me he’ll show me and once again leans in to kiss me.
A nice dream where nothing goes wrong. The reality however is much more difficult. Now you’ve probably read my two previous posts where I talked about this guy. Yesterday we talked about it. It was nice, you know, him and me first just talking about random things, joking around with each other - which is something that I rather like. Later that evening he decides to go to my hometown with me. When I’m almost home we just stopped walking and talked some more.
He placed his arms on my waist and I was rather proud of myself that I didn’t flinch or shake him away. We got to talking about what happened the week prior and I told him, again, that all this was new for me. He leaned in a few times to kiss me, and I don’t know what happened but I know that I find kissing someone complicated. I just can’t seem to get it right. But, like I told him, I have him to practice with.
At one point I began to become a little embarrassed; I’m twenty-three years old and I’ve never kissed someone. Now, I know this is by my own choice and I don’t regret it but I’m a little embarrassed about that tiny little fact. He was quick enough to assure me and told me I’m just a sweet little innocent girl... I’m not sure how to take that but I thought it was rather nice (nicer than laughing at me).
I know that the only thing I can give him is honesty and that’s exactly what I’ve been giving him. I tell him that I don’t know much about this .... whatever it is. That I don’t know how I feel when he kisses me but I can tell you with all honesty that I didn’t not like the kiss(es)... I also told him that I’m interested in seeing where this is going, and to tell you the truth, I am.
[- I want to give a quick thank you to Victoria for her advise. It helped, so thank you!!]
I guess I found out…
Posted by Alvina
[This is a continuation of my previous post]
It turns out...he does like me. How did I find out? Simple, after school last Monday he went to the trainstation with me, when he normally goes with a classmate because they live rather close, and...kissed me. Yes, can you imagine someone wanting to kiss me? No, neither can I. But he did. Now mind it was just a peck on the lips because I was rather shocked by it... Well, no I wasn’t shocked I was more: What do I do now?
A little history on my past relationships: in my entire life I’ve had two boyfriends both we didn’t go any further than holding hands. So, you can imagine I’m rather inexperienced when it comes to dating, relationships and anything that evolves around that.
At the time I couldn’t really process what had happened but I hope I was reassuring him that I didn’t mind... at all. Appearently I failed at that because yesterday I got a text message where he asked me if he had shocked me. I told him he hadn’t that I just didn’t know what I should do. Later that evening he called me and we talked.
He told me that he rather liked me, thought I was beautiful (which I of course didn’t believe) and that I’m rather nice. He also asked me what I felt. I told him, honestly, that I don’t know for I really don’t know how I feel. I had wanted to give myself some time to think about it but I fear that he didn’t wanted to give me that time for he feared he had shocked me. I of course told him he hadn’t and that I (really) didn’t mind. So we talked...for like an hour and half. But it was fun - by the way; he was rather pleased to hear my voice (which made me embarrassed and thankful we were on the phone). After our phone conversation we spend some time talking on gtalk.
Back to the point; what do I do? I’ve no clue for I’ve never had a relationship before and I’m not even sure I want a relationship with him. How do you know you want to have a relationship with someone?
To tell you the truth, although I never thought I’d ever be in this (are similair) situation I had dreamed about it. The reality is so much harder and I’m struggling to find out what to do, what do say to him so I don’t hurt his (or mine) feelings... Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to about these sort of things...maybe then things would be clearer to me.